It’s another year of full-size surfboards awkwardly carried off stage by celebrities at the Teen Choice Awards. The show was tapped on Sunday and finally aired Monday night. Did I watch? Nope. I was having a glass of wine while watching episodes of Intervention instead. I was celebrating the adult choice awards. But anywhoo, I’ve seen enough red carpet shots, though, and here are my winning and losing prodigies of the night:

Hot Mess Prodigy: Miley Cyrus and Fergie.

Miley, meet your future–Peeing yourself on stage and getting into fights with gay men

Hot piece Prodigy: Chase Crawford. This is Chase Crawford, not to be confused with Zac Efron

Hot piece Prodigy: Zac Efron. This is Zac Efron, not to be confused with Chase Crawford

Fierce Prodigy: Project Runway‘s Christian Siriano with the cast of Glee. Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Jenna Ushkowitz, Chris Colfer, Amber Riley and Kevin McHale.

UPDATE: That is not Christian Siriano. We regret the error.

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Twilight hotpiece Taylor Lautner continues what seems to be a year of interviews about his ripped new bod and how he had to gain 30 pounds, and how he can’t fit into his clothes any more because his abs are busting through the seams. That usually happens to me too after I down a can of spinach or get really, really angry.And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

But who cares, just show the goods, right? Interview magazine chatted up the 17-year-old in its latest issue.

People reports:

Talk about growing pains. In order to compete with Robert Pattinson in the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, Taylor Lautner had to transform from a cute kid into a ripped god – er, werewolf.

“The day I finished Twilight, I came home and started bulking up,” Lautner, 17, tells Interview magazine about his getting fit to return as werewolf Jacob Black. “For New Moon, I’m 30 pounds heavier than I was in Twilight.”

What’s the biggest challenge living with his ab-tastic new physique? “I grew out of a lot of my clothes,” he says. “I went from a men’s small to a men’s large.”

Since words cannot legally express what I’d like to do to Taylor Lautner after a  classy night of hot wings and Franzia, I will let the following 12 SFW, yet slightly suggestive animated Gifs express it for me:

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La Rag Mag: Heidi and Spencer really did quit I’m a Celebrity. File under: Worst. Deceision. Ever.

Popbytes: Lily Allen’s boobies says peek-a-boo

OMG blog: Gordon Ramsay swear button doesn’t utter the word rissotto.

YepYep: Reverse arm trick gets the wrong kid owned

Hail Mary Jane: If Michael Phelps had a jersey, it would say…

Blog of Hilarity: Mother guilted sons into committing robberies to pay her bills

NextRound: The delicate flowers of the Russian women’s handball team get into a ladylike handbrawl.

MickLanders: A gallery of really weird soaps

Oh la la: First, let me remind you that Taylor Lautner is only 17. Now click this link and thank me later.

Robert Pattinson–who won best male breakthrough performance, Kristen Stewart–who won best female performance and hotness Taylor Lautner–who won hottest mofo on that stage (I gave him that award in my pants), unveiled the new Twilight New Moon trailer at tonight’s MTV Movie Awards. It looks sooo good, and Lautner makes an awesome animated wolfy creature. I could get with that.

USA Today has a first look at the all four Native-American, de-shirted men who have been cast as werewolves, the wolf pack, in the Twilight sequel New Moon, due Nov. 20.

Four actors — Chaske Spencer, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Bronson Pelletier, all with Native American heritage — join Taylor Lautner, 17, who returns as a hairier, scarier Jacob Black.

Director Chris Weitz told USA Today that he had two requirements for casting the quartet: #1 Native American/First Nation ancestry and #2 great bods.

“They drove each other to get more buff” — and that in between takes, they can be found lifting barbells, doing push-ups and eating red meat.

Can you say: “BEHIND THE SCENES EXTRAS?”
You may remember Taylor Lautner (not pictured) from the first film who will return in New Moon as leader of the wolf pack, was conditionally granted a reprise of his role–provided that he gained 30 pounds of muscle. Don’t remember? Watch this: