A Naples, Florida, man was arrested last week after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun after she told him his car was smoking. When police arrived at the scene, the suspect, Mark Loescher, claimed he was half orangutan, before making various other wild claims.

The Huffington Post reports:

Florida police also say Loescher told them he was also Elvis Presley’s brother, a friend of President Bush, and director of the CIA.

The [Naples Daily News] also reports that Loescher allegedly told police that he needed to call the “Fusion Center” about his monkey blood.

Unfortunately, not even a monkey blood emergency can save you from the law. Loescher was immediately taken to the Naples Jail Center for booking.

Amidst reports that Bobbi Kristina Brown left mother Whitney Houston’s funeral early to do drugs, Houston’s family is stepping in to set the record straight.

Darlene Love, one of Houston’s godmothers and an attendee at the televised funeral, tells Access Hollywood, “She [Bobbi Kristina] was with the family the whole time. We all went to a restaurant. She was there… she’s been with the family the last couple of days.”

More after the jump…

Love responded directly to the Daily Beast’s report claiming Bobbi Kristina left the service early by saying, “We all [have known] where she is.” However, despite Love’s adamant denials, the Daily Beast is standing “firmly behind” its story.

Concerns over Bobbi Kristina’s health have arisen since her recent hospitalization following her mother’s death, and many fear that she is turning to drugs as a way to cope with the stress. Here’s hoping that Bobbi Kristina can stay clean and avoid a fate similar to her mother’s. Remember, BK: Brunch beats drugs any day!

Via People

Miley Cyrus and boyfriend Liam Hemsworth were spotted together at Studio City Tattoo this weekend, but only one of them left with new ink. TMZ is reporting that Cyrus had the words “Love Never Dies” tattooed onto her left bicep.

Dear Miley, I know you’re young and that your education has probably always come second to your career, but it’s time you learned the truth: love does die, and it dies often. Below, I have compiled a brief list proving my point.

More after the jump! 

First, some things that actually never die:

1. Tomorrow.

2. Britney Spears (For proof, See #5 on THIS LIST)

1. Joan Rivers (It’s not that I want her to die, I’m just convinced that she’s invincible.)

And now, the one thing that does die:

1. Love. For examples, see here and HERE. And then watch this:

Saturday Night Live spoofed the birth of Blue Ivy Carter this weekend in a hilarious bit that featured alum Maya Rudolph as Beyonce and a cameo by Justin Timberlake as this year’s Best New Artist Grammy winner Bon Iver.

The sketch imagines Prince, LL Cool J, Nicki Minaj, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and Taylor Swift as guests who arrive at Queen Beyzus and Jay’s home to put their eyes on the glorious wonder that is Blue Ivy.

Watch video of the hilarious SNL sketch after the jump!

Michael Cera’s headshot–possibly taken one or two weeks ago.

Animated gif morph after the jump!

PR Photos
Via Imgur

Blink. Blink.

Hmm… Lil’ Kim looks… different! Another trip to the plastic surgeon, perhaps?

Nah, Time magazine editors had some fun with the cover’s headline this week for a feature on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un.

GIFSoup

So that’s lil Kim the dictator, not Lil’ Kim the rapper (above). I don’t want anyone confused here.

No need to sh*t your pants, Nicki Minaj.

IDLYITW: Bobbi Kristina got HIGH after Whitney’s funeral!

Hollywood Rag: Khloe Kardashian’s sex swing is broken

Tabloid Heat: Big Brother Brazil 12 star Jonas Sulzbach’s naked sex video leaked (well-endowed)

Oh Lala Mag:  Taylor Kinney Is About To Set Chicago On Fire!

Evil Beet Gossip: Classy J Woww Compiled a “Presidents I’d Like to F-ck” List

OMG Blog: OMG, he’s naked: Hayden Leung

I Need My fix: Katy Perry Selling NYC Apartment She & Russell Brand Bought

Starcasm: Teen Mom 2′s Leah Messer reportedly jumped by three girls at a movie theater last night

Earsucker: Janet Jackson In Talks To Join The X Factor USA

Seriously OMG: Who knew Weird Al Yankovic was Team Edward?

Celeb Jihad: Selena Gomez Upskirt Vagina Slip

Amy Grindhouse: Miley Cyrus Got Another Tattoo This Weekend

Popbytes: Chris Brown responded to Miranda Lambert on Twitter

Rickey.org: Whitney Houston’s Dress & Earrings Will Be Auctioned Off Next Month

Zombie Toenails: Presenting Pre-Nicki Minaj

Have U Heard: Bethenny Frankel Reveals Recent Miscarriage With Tears in Her Eyes

The Frisky: Coco Gets A Sonogram To Prove Her Ass Is Real

Hollywood Backwash: Mark Wahlberg Takes Kids To See His Painful Tattoo Removal

Socialite Life: Burberry’s Show Draws Rosie Huntington-Whiteley And Kate Bosworth [PHOTOS]

Witches’ Brew: Brew Music: Robin Thicke Covers Whitney Houston’s “Shoop”

Just Jared: Rihanna: Heel-less Birthday at Nozomi!

Swanky Celebs: Victoria Beckham, Are You Okay? Fashion Designer Looks Dull At Clothing Line Launch

Star: Adele Sex Tape to be Leaked?

Lickable Celebs: Yikes! Another Kim Kardashian Sex Tape Leaked?

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New York Knicks baller Jeremy Lin shirtless. NICE, right? The sports world phenom recently had his shirtless shot hit the web, and we’ve all been better since.

Click to enlarge after the jump!