Jon Gosselin. LaToya Jackson. Shauna Sand.

How did the once A-list actress Vivica A. Fox, star of Independence Day, Kill Bill and Booty Call end up joining the celebrity waste pile of at Millions of Milkshakes, where she created her own shake–the Cougar Crunch Shake–earlier today in Los Angeles? Let’s take a look at an abridged timeline that led to this demise:

2004 MTV Music Video Awards: Vivica got low with Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz on stage at the VMAs. Vibe magazine called it a low point for her and said her “grown and unsexy bop was unbecoming of an actress.”

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Taylor Momsen was snapped filming scenes for Gossip Girl outside the Smyth hotel in TriBeCa today wearing the high school student fashion staple of high heels and leggings. And I couldn’t help but notice how skinny her legs look. In fact, I’ve included an image of toothpicks to better provide you with perspective and scale (HINT: Toothpicks are to the right):

I hope Santa Claus brings her a sandwich this year. And hopefully no more eyeliner:

If Taylor Momsen doesn’t want to invite further media scrutiny over her weight, I think that she should just start standing near things that will make her look less skinny.

Here are 10 suggestions:

1. Barbie

2. A skeleton.

3. The Photoshopped Ralph Lauren model

4. A starving person.

5. A stick figure.

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Gay men everywhere can now rejoice! In an effort to undo all the “I bang hoes” damage Adam Lambert’s Details photo spread caused (ahem):

Photoshop artists clicked the gay-it-up filter for his album cover art. For Your Entertainment is super gay, and features a beautiful, semi-transparent  woman floating in the land of Xenu:

This has me confused. Really confused. Like that time Andy Dick got woman pregnant (via intercourse) or that time Eddie Murphy got busted with a shemale diva.

Let’s hope this total mind f*ck doesn’t cause a rift between his 12-year-old girl and tranny chaser fanbase:

And it’s pretty obvious that Glambert’s album drew from 8 possible sources of inspiration, like:

Revered surrealist Lisa Frank.

American Idol success story Blake Lewis.

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Let’s all agree that people who are stupid enough to get scammed, pretty much deserve it. For those of you who helped finance a Nigerian prince or got charged an additional $50 to your phone bill to hear Paula Abdul’s pre-recorded message–twice–I have no sympathy for you. Just take a look at some of these ridiculous 900 numbers from the ’80s and ’90s and explain to me how anyone could possibly dial them:

Crying hotline
Cost: $2 per minute
What it is: People sobbing uncontrollably
Cheaper alternative: Hear Heidi Montag sing and you too will sob uncontrollably.

Secret confessions
Cost: $2 first minute. $1 each additional minute
What it is: Listen in privately to women confessing their inner most feelings
Cheaper alternative: Go to the JJB message boards or Twitter to find out about people burning their toast

Freddy Kruger hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Listen to a child murderer tell you bed time stories. Ask mom and dad for permission first!
WTF: As a child, this commercial scared me. As an adult, this commercial made me shit myself all over again.

UFO hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 35 cents each additional minute
Cheaper alternative: Read Weekly World News or Star magazine. Both are filled with far more entertaining lies.

Santa hotline:
Cost: 69 cents per minute
What it is: Call Santa at home in the North Pole
Cheaper alternative: Take your kids to the fucking mall

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Judging by the way some of these kids drive their toy cars, you can tell they automatically qualify for a Florida driver’s license and will possibly end up on Cops at some point in their future.

1. Kid runs over baby sister.

2. Kid runs over brother with truck.

3. Kid mows down brother.

4. Kid causes 3-way collision

5. Segway kid says “hi” to parked car with his face

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