OMG. Did I just wet my pants? Did I just read the words “Win! The chance to meet Butterface” in read sans-serif font?!!!  Speedo is offering a lucky person (READ: ME) the opportunity to meet my ghost-baby’s daddy at The British Gas Duel in the Pool, held in Manchester, UK, December 18-19. Eff the pool, we can have a gas duel in my bathtub if he wants! Knowing his eating habits, I’m there will be plenty of bubbles too. And as a bonus, the winner will receive a new Speedo LZR Racer suit. But I want mine used–and straight off of Butterface’s sweet ass. And balls. I would be all over that Speedo like a Japanese man (or a softball coach) to a school girl’s undies.

How does one win such an honor? All it takes is an essay of 20 words to tell Speedo why you want to meet Butterface. UPDATE: Due to the strict terms of my restraining order, my counsel has advised me to no longer write any letters to–or about–Butterface. So now I think you might stand a chance to win this contest. Tell me about it if you win!!!