An open letter to Mario Lopez:

Dear Mario,

Take your pants off first, it’s less messy that way. I know you are very beautiful– and possibly–very stupid, so I know it is difficult for you to understand these concepts. But don’t worry, you are very beautiful. And who would want to look for a glory hole in that bathroom stall when you have two big dimple holes in your face where many penises would rather go? I think you should attend every bathroom opening from now on. Remember (according to Senator Larry Craig etiquette): One tap = “enter his stall,” two taps = “stick it underneath.”

XOXO

-CB

Mario Lopez was at the official opening of the 4th annual Charmin Restrooms in Times Square, yesterday. It’s a free, public restroom service offered now through Christmas. Hey, it’s work!