Let’s all agree that people who are stupid enough to get scammed, pretty much deserve it. For those of you who helped finance a Nigerian prince or got charged an additional $50 to your phone bill to hear Paula Abdul’s pre-recorded message–twice–I have no sympathy for you. Just take a look at some of these ridiculous 900 numbers from the ’80s and ’90s and explain to me how anyone could possibly dial them:

Crying hotline
Cost: $2 per minute
What it is: People sobbing uncontrollably
Cheaper alternative: Hear Heidi Montag sing and you too will sob uncontrollably.

Secret confessions
Cost: $2 first minute. $1 each additional minute
What it is: Listen in privately to women confessing their inner most feelings
Cheaper alternative: Go to the JJB message boards or Twitter to find out about people burning their toast

Freddy Kruger hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Listen to a child murderer tell you bed time stories. Ask mom and dad for permission first!
WTF: As a child, this commercial scared me. As an adult, this commercial made me shit myself all over again.

UFO hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 35 cents each additional minute
Cheaper alternative: Read Weekly World News or Star magazine. Both are filled with far more entertaining lies.

Santa hotline:
Cost: 69 cents per minute
What it is: Call Santa at home in the North Pole
Cheaper alternative: Take your kids to the fucking mall

Creep Phone
What it is: Real-life ghosts and zombies talk to you
Cost: $2 per call
Cheaper alternative: Try booking a flight over the phone. The people on the other line are totally brain dead, I promise.

Masters of the Universe
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Talk to a cartoon.

So He-Man, what are you wearing?

Dial-an-insult
Cost: $2 first minute, $1 each additional minute
What it is: Pay someone to hear them give you a pre-recorded insult. No profanity used.
Cheaper alternative: Piss off your mom or dad. You’ll get a free tongue lashing, and they’ll surely throw in some curse words for good measure.

MC Hammer Hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Hear MC hammer’s voice, leave very own message.
WTF: Did the 900 number money also go to his posse?

Paula Abdul Hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Paula’s on a rocket to stardom, call this number and find out why.
WTF: “Call me twice and I’ll send you an autographed picture.”

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