It’s another year of full-size surfboards awkwardly carried off stage by celebrities at the Teen Choice Awards. The show was tapped on Sunday and finally aired Monday night. Did I watch? Nope. I was having a glass of wine while watching episodes of Intervention instead. I was celebrating the adult choice awards. But anywhoo, I’ve seen enough red carpet shots, though, and here are my winning and losing prodigies of the night:

Hot Mess Prodigy: Miley Cyrus and Fergie.

Miley, meet your future–Peeing yourself on stage and getting into fights with gay men

Hot piece Prodigy: Chase Crawford. This is Chase Crawford, not to be confused with Zac Efron

Hot piece Prodigy: Zac Efron. This is Zac Efron, not to be confused with Chase Crawford

Fierce Prodigy: Project Runway‘s Christian Siriano with the cast of Glee. Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Jenna Ushkowitz, Chris Colfer, Amber Riley and Kevin McHale.

UPDATE: That is not Christian Siriano. We regret the error.

Benjamin Button Prodigy: Amanda Bynes continues to baffle scientists by aging in reverse. This was once known as Melissa Joan Hart syndrome. If Bynes is lucky, she–like Melissa Joan Hart–will be able to play high school chicks well into her late 30s.

Sexy Bitch Prodigy: Words cannot legally express exactly how I think 17-year-old Taylor Lautner is one hot ^*&^&*&#8&#$. And I would totally @#^#$&% up his $&*$(%()% so hard that he would $*$(%)%*@=!. And then i’d #^&$*#*$, upside down, then put it in the #*&$*&%*&$%%*. Sorry if certain words are censored or blocked. Many Web sites that speak candidly about Taylor Lautner are being filtered by the pedo-police, so if that didn’t come through, I’ll just let these two photos speak for themselves:

DAMN!

D-list Prodigy: Kathy Griffin and Baby Daddy. He hopefully didn’t have to get banged by that bitch later that night. And by he, I mean Kathy Griffin.

Catholic school Prodigy, Corbin Bleu. It’s okay, I know High School Musical didn’t pay you as much as Vanessa and Zac. So I hope you saved a little up for college. HINT: Engineering majors = $$$$$$$

Unemployed Prodigy, Jojo: I haven’t seen her–or her career in ages! Except for that one song that still gets airplay even though it was released two years ago! YOU KNOW WHAT I’m TALKING ABOUT. I miss youuuuuuu, Jojo. But get a new song, before it’s too little, too late.

Oops. Ironic, much?

Slowly-Becoming-Boring Prodigies, Jonas Brothers: Ugh, that’s the worst possible Jonas Brothers photo I’ve seen yet. But I know how to fix it.

There, that’s better.

Evil-Devil-Gremlin Prodigy: Bonus Jonas, Frankie. Who fed Gizmo after midnight? Bah dum bum psssshhh. I kid!

Super Dooper Prodigy: Keke Palmer. This could totally be a super hero costume

Sexstick Prodigy: Kellan Lutz.

Question: Is there any possible way that the really, really ridiculously good looking Robert Pattinson could look ugly?
Answer: Put him in a photo next to ANY–and I mean ANY–male from Twilight. Hell, even the best boy grip.

Payless Prodigy: Jordin Sparks. I love you, but you’re not getting in the club in those shoes.

Lesbo Prodigy: Kristen Stewart. Now throw a U-haul and a cat in the background and I bet you every lesbian will have this photo as their screen saver.

Rhinoplasty Prodigy: Ashley Tisdale. Looking hot, shoes, nose and all. Nobody beats the Tiz.

Nude leaked photos Prodigy, Vanessa Hudgens. See, she does wear clothes.

Most random person there Prodigy: Katherine von Drachenberg

*UPDATE* Most random person there Prodigy: Mike Tyson

Here are the winners from the 11th annual Teen Choice Awards:

_ Choice Movie Action Adventure: “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”

_ Choice Movie Drama: “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Bromantic Comedy: “Marley & Me.”

_ Choice Movie Comedy: “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.”

_ Choice Movie Chick Flick: “27 Dresses.”

_ Choice Movie Horror/Thriller: “Friday the 13th.”

_ Choice Movie Music/Dance: “High School Musical 3: Senior Year.”

_ Choice Movie Hissy Fit: Miley Cyrus, “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

_ Choice Movie Actor Drama: Robert Pattinson, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Actress Drama: Kristen Stewart, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Actor Action Adventure: Hugh Jackman, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”

_ Choice Movie Actress Action Adventure: Jordana Brewster, “Fast & Furious.”

_ Choice Movie Actor Comedy: Zac Efron, “17 Again.”

_ Choice Movie Actress Comedy: Anne Hathaway, “Bride Wars.”

_ Choice Movie Actress Music/Dance: Miley Cyrus, “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

_ Choice Movie Actor Music/Dance: Zac Efron, “High School Musical 3: Senior Year.”

_ Choice Movie Villain: Cam Gigandet, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Fresh Face Female: Ashley Greene, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Fresh Face Male: Taylor Lautner, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Liplock: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Rumble: Robert Pattinson vs. Cam Gigandet, “Twilight.”

_ Choice Movie Rockstar Moment: Zac Efron, “17 Again.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Drama: “My Sister’s Keeper.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Comedy: “Up.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Romance: “The Proposal.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Action Adventure: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Star Male: Shia LaBeouf, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

_ Choice Summer Movie Star Female: Megan Fox, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

_ Choice TV Show Drama: “Gossip Girl.”

_ Choice TV Show Action Adventure: “Heroes.”

_ Choice TV Show Comedy: “Hannah Montana.”

_ Choice TV Animated Show: “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

_ Choice TV Reality: “The Hills.”

_ Choice TV Reality Competition: “American Idol.”

_ Choice TV Actor Drama: Chace Crawford, “Gossip Girl.”

_ Choice TV Actress Drama: Leighton Meester, “Gossip Girl.”

_ Choice TV Actor Action Adventure: Tom Welling, “Smallville.”

_ Choice TV Actress Action Adventure: Hayden Panettiere, “Heroes.”

_ Choice TV Actor Comedy: Jonas Brothers, “Jonas.”

_ Choice TV Actress Comedy: Miley Cyrus, “Hannah Montana.”

_ Choice TV Breakout Show: “Jonas.”

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Female: Demi Lovato, “Sonny with a Chance.”

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Male: Frankie Jonas, “Jonas.”

_ Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: Adam Lambert, “American Idol.”

_ Choice TV Female Reality/Variety Star: Lauren Conrad, “The Hills.”

_ Choice TV Villain: Ed Westwick, “Gossip Girl.”

_ Choice Fab-u-lous: Jay Alexander, “America’s Next Top Model.”

_ Choice TV Sidekick: Emily Osment, “Hannah Montana.”

_ Choice TV Late Night Show: “Chelsea Lately.”

_ Choice TV Parental Unit: Billy Ray Cyrus, “Hannah Montana.”

_ Choice Summer TV Show: “Princess Protection Program.”

_ Choice Summer TV Star Female: Selena Gomez, “Princess Protection Program.”

_ Choice Summer TV Star Male: Daren Kagasoff, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”

_ Choice Music Single: Miley Cyrus, “The Climb.”

_ Choice Music Hook-Up: Lady Ga Ga and Colby O’Donis, “Just Dance.”

_ Choice Music Male Artist: Jason Mraz.

_ Choice Music Female Artist: Taylor Swift.

_ Choice Music Rap Artist: Kanye West.

_ Choice Music R&B Artist: Beyonce.

_ Choice Music Rock Group: Paramore.

_ Choice Music Breakout Artist: David Archuleta.

_ Choice Music Love Song: David Archuleta, “Crush.”

_ Choice Music R&B Track: Beyonce, “Single Ladies.”

_ Choice Music Rap/Hip-Hop Track: Black Eyed Peas, “Boom Boom Pow.”

_ Choice Music Rock Track: Paramore, “Decode.”

_ Choice Music Album Male Artist: Jason Mraz, “We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things.”

_ Choice Music Album Female Artist: Taylor Swift, “Fearless.”

_ Choice Music Soundtrack: “Twilight.”

_ Choice Music Tour: Demi Lovato and David Archuleta.

_ Choice Summer Song: Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, “Before the Storm.”

_ Choice Male Athlete: David Beckham.

_ Choice Female Athlete: Shawn Johnson.

_ Choice Male Action Sports Athlete: Ryan Sheckler.

_ Choice Female Action Sports Athlete: Stephanie Gilmore.

_ Choice Male Hottie: Robert Pattinson.

_ Choice Female Hottie: Megan Fox.

_ Choice Web Star: Fred.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Selena Gomez.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Male: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Comedian: George Lopez.

_ Choice Celebrity Activist: Hayden Panettiere.

_ Choice Celebrity Pet: Bo, the Obamas’ dog.

_ Choice Video Game: “Rock Band 2.”

_ Choice Celebrity Baby: Honor Marie Warren, daughter of Jessica Alba and Cash Warren.

_ Choice Celebrity Dancer: Selena Gomez.

_ Choice Twit: Ellen DeGeneres.

_ Ultimate Choice Award: Britney Spears.