A Kansas City clerk took matters into his own hands yesterday when he fired off shots at two would-be robbers who tried to hold up his Shell gas station, reports KMBC 9 News.

And now, authorities are concerned that the clerk may have gone too far. Security footage shows the man defending himself against the attackers, but he continues to fire off at them even as they fled. Experts say it’s unclear if shooting at someone who runs away counts as a self defense act under law.

The suspects are still at large.

But the real gem from this story comes from the very eccentric witness (READ: Bat shit crazy) who gave an extremely detailed account of what happened. I could listen to her all day. This calls for a remix…anyone?…anyone?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet this next Internet star after the jump!
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Andy Roddick gets treatment from a trainer after losing the second set to Janko Tipsarevic of Serbia in the second round at the U.S. Open at Arthur Ashe Stadium in NYC today.

Don’t lie: You’ve ALL imagined this very scenario with Andy Roddick before. Though, in my version, he’s the one on his knees. Ohhhhh, zing!

Please watch this clip from a what’s described as the “most expensive” Indian Telegu film ever, you will never look at a perilous situation the same way again. Based on real events (I’m 100% sure of this), this flick shows what one can accomplish with a Jeep and a cliff, and some really good machete throwing skillz. Thank you, Internet.

At a match between Santos and Goias on Saturday, an 18-year-old lost his shorts while going after a ball. Yep, that’s exactly how I remember it too.

Via Deadspin

America’s Got Talent contestant Kristina Young was more red faced than poker faced after a god awful rendition of a Lady Gaga song. I think the entire nation experienced second-hand embarrassment in solidarity as she infused Bob Fosse into Poker Face, complete with snapping of the fingers, lying on a piano, a chair dance and a chorus boy from Chicago. The episode first aired last week, and was on again last night.

If I’m correct (READ: of course I am), this chick was the only contestant in the semi-finals to receive three x’s from the judging panel.   Three X’s Translates to: “BITCH, PLEASE!”

Sharon Osbourne described it as “really wrong,” Howie Mandel likened it to a “cheesy, Saturday Night Live“ mockery of pop music. Piers Morgan kindly saved her from tears with a “don’t give up.”

This is truly the saddest/most lolz moment I’ve seen in live TV since Kate Gosselin butchered Gaga on Dancing With the Stars.

If your face does not do this, I will give you a refund:

WATCH F*CKERY AFTER THE JUMP!

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Susan Sarandon’s reacted in horror the moment Matthew Fox touched her arm during Jimmy Fallon’s Emmy after-party at Trousdale in West Hollywood last night. And it looks like she might have to change her undies. Olivia Munn and Fox’s wife Margherita Ronchi look on, and they’re probably breathing through their mouths.

German Sky Sport reporter Jessica Kastrop was hit in the head by a stray soccer ball as she was conducting a live interview on the field, last week. A team was practicing behind her when she took the embarrassing head shot by a player. But she eventually laughed off the incident, saying she was fine. She added: “[He] ran over to me straight away and apologized.”

WATCH THE LOLz VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP!!!

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