I guarantee you’ve never seen graphics like this before–a scene from ‘80-rific The Worst Witch.

Another hysterical literal music video strikes again. And this time Pat Benatar’s 1983 hit Love is a Battlefield gets the literal parody treatment. The choreographer’s commentary at 3:20 is GOLD! What do you think? Not bad, huh? It’s a close second to the very funny Total Eclipse of the Heart literal video.

Let’s all agree that people who are stupid enough to get scammed, pretty much deserve it. For those of you who helped finance a Nigerian prince or got charged an additional $50 to your phone bill to hear Paula Abdul’s pre-recorded message–twice–I have no sympathy for you. Just take a look at some of these ridiculous 900 numbers from the ’80s and ’90s and explain to me how anyone could possibly dial them:

Crying hotline
Cost: $2 per minute
What it is: People sobbing uncontrollably
Cheaper alternative: Hear Heidi Montag sing and you too will sob uncontrollably.

Secret confessions
Cost: $2 first minute. $1 each additional minute
What it is: Listen in privately to women confessing their inner most feelings
Cheaper alternative: Go to the JJB message boards or Twitter to find out about people burning their toast

Freddy Kruger hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 45 cents each additional minute
What it is: Listen to a child murderer tell you bed time stories. Ask mom and dad for permission first!
WTF: As a child, this commercial scared me. As an adult, this commercial made me shit myself all over again.

UFO hotline
Cost: $2 first minute, 35 cents each additional minute
Cheaper alternative: Read Weekly World News or Star magazine. Both are filled with far more entertaining lies.

Santa hotline:
Cost: 69 cents per minute
What it is: Call Santa at home in the North Pole
Cheaper alternative: Take your kids to the fucking mall

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Senate-seat hopeful Scott Brown posed “naked” for Cosmopolitan in the ’80s. And while you may not agree with the Republicanbot’s policies, you have to admit–he looked damn good in his prime. But if Cosmopolitan’s comments board is to be believed, he’s too hairy for most of their tastes. What do you think?

Long before he was a politician, the Republican candidate vying for Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat posed nude for the centerfold of Cosmo. Scott Brown won our “America’s Sexiest Man” contest and appeared in the June 1982 issue. In those days he was a 22-year-old law student at Boston College who was cramming for finals just days before stripping down for our photographer.

COMMENTS:

He’s not sexy, he’s furry. And his views are massively messed up. Get him off of Cosmo!!!!

this is supposed to be sexy? that picture makes me feel a bit sick actually. put it away you hairy beast.

Ladies,, in 1982 No heterosexual man would have even considered waxing anything and lets put it this way, for his time yes he’s hot.

I’ve never seen “Beware: Children at Play,” but judging by the clip, I think I would seriously enjoy it. It looks like one of those movies that are supposed to be in the drama or suspense category, but end up being victims of the ’80s schlock flick variety (COMEDY). Here’s the plot summary:

After several children have gone missing, a writer and a cop decide to get to the bottom of the problem once and for all. As they find more and more leads they discover that their children are being brainwashed into zombified cannibal killers by a disturbed teen.

Alison Byrne Fields was a misunderstood teen who worshiped John Hughes. Who didn’t? The iconic teen angst writer/director, who died suddenly of a heart attack at 59 years old yesterday, was the lone cinematic voice that spoke to the Walkman epoch. But what makes Alison stand out from the generation-of-the-misunderstood is that she let him know.

One woebegone night in 1985, she decided to “pour her heart out” in a letter she mailed to him. She received a response: A welcome package to the Breakfast Club fan club.

That made her irate. And she let him know.

I wrote back to John, explaining in no uncertain terms that, excuse me, I just poured my fucking heart out to you and YOU SENT ME A FORM LETTER.

That was just not going to fly.

He wrote back.

“This is not a form letter. The other one was. Sorry. Lots of requests. You know what I mean. I did sign it.”

It was that simple exchange that started a two-year pen pal relationship with him. On Alison’s Web site, wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com, she shares funny and candid anecdotes on the unique privilege she had getting to know him–and having him reciprocate the same feeling. I highly recommend reading it! It’ll leave you hopeful–and with a smile. John Hughes wouldn’t have it any other way.

Savage Streets is an uplifting tale about gangs, teens, sex, rapes and sweet, sweet revenge. It’s one of those cult-following cheesy ’80s flicks that just aren’t made that way anymore. Here’s a plot summary:

An altercation between a group of girls out for the night and a gang of local punks leaves the punks vowing revenge. It comes in the form of the gang-rape of a young mute (Heather) and her older sister (Brenda) starts hunting the gang in turn – armed with bear traps and crossbow.

Are you ready for more? Of course you are. Here’s a man-on-man fight scene that takes a surprising turn (for the best if you ask me):

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