The Queen was snapped gloving her royal nose while riding in a horse-drawn carriage to open Parliament yesterday. Isn’t something dignified about digging for gold whilst wearing a crown and pearls? Just like mom used to do!

Let’s take a look at the exhaustive history of Her Majesty acting like one of us, with no shame, just going for the gold!

1996: Queen Elizabeth uses the MINING METHOD–an up-and-down motion with the index finger–while at a ceremony in England. Let’s hope she remembered to take her gloves off before giving handshakes!

2008: Her Majesty attempts to discreetly use the THUMB-SHOVEL technique–a quick wipe of the nostril–at the Royal Windsor Horse Show in May.

2009: Looks like somebody’s been reading Class With the Countess because ‘ol Liz whipped out a hankie to get some protected digging action while watching her horse Balmoral Moorland at the Royal Windsor Horse Show.

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Identical Irish twins. 18 years old (barely). Those blond quiffs. Forget the fact that they sing off key and miss steps in their dance routines. X Factor castoffs Jedward are HOT! And what lies behind their allure? The hair. It’s all in the hair.

Here are 10 possible explanations for how they got their look:

1. They stood under a vacuum cleaner

2. Copious amounts of electric shock therapy

3. Someone scared the sh*t out of them

4. Troll doll ancestry

5. Lightning strike

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The usually beeeeeeeautiful first lady of France, Carla Bruni, might be due for some facial fillers. Or she might be stuck on an alien ship somewhere getting booty probes while her intergalactic impostor is among us.

Your guess is as good as mine because the 43-year-old former model turned singer was snapped looking completely unlike herself in Paris yesterday. It’s a sad sight really–as she had the “surprise” look of a face full of Botox, yet it had the withering skin and deep creases of Michael Douglas naked. At right, you can see how beautiful she looked in April.

Looking like this, there can only be 6 possible people she can be mistaken for:

1. Sissy Spacek

2. Stargate‘s Wraith Queen

3. Jocelyn Wildenstein

4. Gollum

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Former jail-bait hotpiece Taylor Lautner turned 18 today and is now legal! This momentous occasion also coincides with today’s debut of a 17-inch plastic and vinyl dildo (or “doll” as they call it) that has been created in the image of his Twilight character Jacob Black, and will go on sale in limited release this summer. Only 3000 dolls will be sold at a steal for $149.99 (lube sold separately).

The lifelike creation features a Quileute tattoo on his right bicep, loads of muscles and a hole in the chin deep enough to stick a penis in! Oh, and a nose job! The price tag is a far cry from the nearly $25 Barbie-issued Twilight doll that came out back in November (below, at right).

Some ungrateful fans are crying foul and say that the sexy action-figure looks nothing like Taylor Lautner. To them I say, you’re absolutely right. So here are 6 possible things the Taylor Lautner doll resembles:

1. American Idol alum Adam Lambert

2. Katie Holmes

3. Taylor Swift

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Could a face like this ever commit domestic assault? Or even a satanic ritual?

Well, how about this one?

Yup folks, that’s Gary Coleman. The troubled and consistently mocked child star was arrested in Utah on Sunday (presumably for being the only black person in the state. Utah is okay with “little people,” however) after police responded to a domestic disturbance call at his home, and took him into custody on a warrant for failing to appear in court stemming from a previous charge. A fan posted his $1,725 bail on Monday and Coleman will have to appear in court for his outstanding cases (or not–depending on if he takes his Zoloft).

Needless to say, it appears as if Gary Coleman woke up on the wrong side of bed that morning–or maybe someone burnt his toast (that always gets me riled). Don’t get me wrong here, domestic abuse/beating bitches up is a serious matter and all–but look at his face!

HOLD ON.

HAHAHH HHAHAH HAHAH HAHHA HAHH HAHAHH H OMG OMG. HAHH HAHH HAHA HAHAHAHAHA.

Whew! Now that we have that out of the way, he just doesn’t look like himself, does he? So what does he look like, you ask? There can only be 7 possible things:

1. A pug

2. Yoda

3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

4. Wicket, the Ewok

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Jon Gosselin. LaToya Jackson. Shauna Sand.

How did the once A-list actress Vivica A. Fox, star of Independence Day, Kill Bill and Booty Call end up joining the celebrity waste pile of at Millions of Milkshakes, where she created her own shake–the Cougar Crunch Shake–earlier today in Los Angeles? Let’s take a look at an abridged timeline that led to this demise:

2004 MTV Music Video Awards: Vivica got low with Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz on stage at the VMAs. Vibe magazine called it a low point for her and said her “grown and unsexy bop was unbecoming of an actress.”

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Taylor Momsen was snapped filming scenes for Gossip Girl outside the Smyth hotel in TriBeCa today wearing the high school student fashion staple of high heels and leggings. And I couldn’t help but notice how skinny her legs look. In fact, I’ve included an image of toothpicks to better provide you with perspective and scale (HINT: Toothpicks are to the right):

I hope Santa Claus brings her a sandwich this year. And hopefully no more eyeliner:

If Taylor Momsen doesn’t want to invite further media scrutiny over her weight, I think that she should just start standing near things that will make her look less skinny.

Here are 10 suggestions:

1. Barbie

2. A skeleton.

3. The Photoshopped Ralph Lauren model

4. A starving person.

5. A stick figure.

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