Recap: Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 5 episode 1: Rupaullywood or Bust

1. The queens, the queens!!! So outta this batch this season, I know or have personally seen four: Miss Detox, Roxxxy, Coco, and Serena.

I LIVE for all of them, so right off the bat I may be a little biased in all my recaps, just letting you know what the tea is before it spills on your lap and you get ya picachus all burnt. That being said, this IS the fishiest season lol HUNTY, I can smell the mercury. Everyone’s entrance was great, but what the fuck was up with Alaska coming in with a horse mask? #shesALittleHorsyHerself #homageToMilan?

Queen Bee Realness

LOVE me some Roxxxy

Jade not too Jolie

Mizzzz ChaCha!

Alyssa McCunterson

Jinkx, spell your name right! “Jinx”

Penny Tration…no thanks

Chicken of the sea

Alaska, ugh…I can see you from Russia NEIGH

Honey Maho who?

Cutie

Monica compton

yummy Lineysha

Coco MOTHERFUCKING Montrese

2. OMG so there’s SHADEOPOLIS between Coco and Alyssa, and I really want to know what the motherfucking TEA is! I’m talking shade from the moment Coco walked in to the end of Untucked. #theyGoneFightGirl

ay ay ay

3. The first challenge. Oh man, I’ve said it time and time and time again, RuPaul must get high as a kite and just starts scribbling down whatever fucked up challenge comes to her head. This one was “Let’s dunk these bitches who are in high whore drag into a water tank and take pics… what could go wrong?” LMAO, a lot! Although everyone tried their best, some really worked it – Detox (the Winner), Vivienne, Lineysha – and some not so much. #RuIsHighAsAllFuck

Detox turning it up

We can see your enchilada

4. This needs its own number. MOTHERFUCKING ALASKA. She quit halfway through the challenge bc she was a whiny bitch who “couldn’t do it.” Ru was even all, “we’ll give you another chance,” and she just brushed it off. Dude, do you know how many queens out there have tried to get on this show, UGH! And here you are being an asshat… I can’t. #stopWhiningAndDeliver

I CAN’T WITH THIS BITCH

5. Side note: cutest queens out of drag – Ivy Winters and Lineysha Sparx. More specifically Lineysha… I like my boys like I like my wine, white, tall, and chill, pero like, I could get into some Puerto Rican papi realness lol. #sooPretty #dameLaGasolina

Cutie

Que Rico Papi

6. Side note #2: Jinkx Monsoon has NARCOLEPSY….bitch was falling asleep during the interview. #iCantWithThisLMAO

“You ok?” bahahaha

7. The main challenge was OK. I thought it really let the girls be creative since they had to use dumpster articles to create a couture gown, etc. Some girls were a-struggling (this is when I looked at my girl Serena and was all like, “nooo….just put something together please!) LOL @ Roxxxy and her motherfucking makeup dress, too funny.

lol It’s my makeup Dress lol

8. And then the SHADE was all about, “well I think Alaska is like a bad Sharon”. GASP…. I honestly don’t. Alaska has her own image. It’s weird, but not in a Sharon way at all in my opeenyon. Also, LOL @ Coco talking about Alaska’s hung cock after she got naked lol. #dickALicious

Alaska HUNGerfuck

9. Side note #3: I felt kinda bad for Serena becuase everyone was not about her. She is seriously the sweetest thing, pero like everyone had comments. Also, I’m sure the producers had something to do with it. #conspiracyHunty

10. Everyone turned it the FUCK OUT! Roxxxy did amazing with her dress. For me it was between her and Lineysha, and in my head they kept going back and forth. Lineysha’s for me was more high fashion, pero like, my two cents right. #youBettaWerk

Roxxxy Turning it OUT

Lineysha the GLAMAZON

11. I was, again, a somber orphan seeing Serena in the bottom two, but I really hope she ups the ante in the next episode. Jade Jolie’s dress was a LOT. The crazy part is that she had this great fabric to work with (RED SEQUINS) and didn’t turn it out. Also, I think Monica Beverly Hillz was awful and looked like she didn’t tuck. Penny Tration…you’ve been doing drag for HOW LONG? and ya still couldn’t make a decent dress/know your body? #thereAreMirrorsInTheWorld

too much Jolie, too much

Monica…just don’t

12. Here’s the thing, Serena may have had a hard time with this episode, but when I saw she had to lip-sync I KNEW she would turn it out. Bitch is fierce when it comes to performing and I’m glad she delivered. Penny, really? You didn’t know “Party in the USA”?! #doYouLiveUnderABoulder

it’s time to LIP SYNC….for yo LIFE!

13. Top 3: Roxxxy, Lineysha, Detox. VERY CLOSE SECONDS (in order): Coco, Ivy, Alyssa, Vivienne. The Rest: Jade Jolie, Serena ChaCha (betta WERK), Alaska Jinkx, Monica Beverly Hillz… and I just wrote all of this and totally forgot about Honey Mohogany until I was posting pics, so she needs to step it up

UNTUCKED

1. Again with the motherfucking TEA with Coco and Alyssa. The thing is that they still talk sometimes but there is sooo much cunty-ness going through. Also, I did read in the interwebs that Alyssa got dethroned (a la Vanessa Williams like she says) and guess who got the crown? No, not Divine, nope, not The Countess De Lesseps, YUP, Coco Motherfucking Montrese, OKRRR! So I’m thinking that had something to do with it, aaaahhh. #theShadeTheShadeOfItAll

what’s the TEA?

2. Again with the shade being thrown at Serena by all dem bitches, but Alyssa was stirring the pot. You know, Alyssa is most def a drama starter. Back in the episode she was hounding Alaska about he relationship with Needles and if that was affecting their relationship, etc…. girl…. she is DRAMA! Also, LOL @ her explanation of clownfucker. #tooMuchBahahaha

3. Monica Beverly Hillz is already all whiny and not believing in herself. She reminds me of LaShaun Beyond. It’s like, bitch you’re already on this show, now DELIVER. In my opinion, she should have been in place of Jade based on her awful outfit and seemingly untucked lower region. And then she got all emotional talking about how she was into drugs and nobody believed in her, blah blah blah. Girl, keep strong and don’t let these bitches even smell that you’re weak because they will use that. #shellItUp

whomp whomp whomp

4. Jade Jolie is coming for Serena. I mean, already the queens don’t like her too much (props to Alyssa for kinda coming to her rescue), but Jade was ALL up on her Kool-aid giving her fever over EVERYTHING. #serenaBetterWatchOUt

girrrrllllll

5. Oh man, everyone calling Alyssa out for copying them in the dress design. Girl was all nervous talking about how she’s done soo many shows and blah blah blah. GIRL, you done copied, own it and move on or sumpim. #whereIsYourTalent

you done COPIED!

6. FAVORITE line so far: “ALL Tea ALL Shade” #okrrrrr!