A Naples, Florida, man was arrested last week after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun after she told him his car was smoking. When police arrived at the scene, the suspect, Mark Loescher, claimed he was half orangutan, before making various other wild claims.

The Huffington Post reports:

Florida police also say Loescher told them he was also Elvis Presley’s brother, a friend of President Bush, and director of the CIA.

The [Naples Daily News] also reports that Loescher allegedly told police that he needed to call the “Fusion Center” about his monkey blood.

Unfortunately, not even a monkey blood emergency can save you from the law. Loescher was immediately taken to the Naples Jail Center for booking.

Amidst reports that Bobbi Kristina Brown left mother Whitney Houston’s funeral early to do drugs, Houston’s family is stepping in to set the record straight.

Darlene Love, one of Houston’s godmothers and an attendee at the televised funeral, tells Access Hollywood, “She [Bobbi Kristina] was with the family the whole time. We all went to a restaurant. She was there… she’s been with the family the last couple of days.”

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Miley Cyrus and boyfriend Liam Hemsworth were spotted together at Studio City Tattoo this weekend, but only one of them left with new ink. TMZ is reporting that Cyrus had the words “Love Never Dies” tattooed onto her left bicep.

Dear Miley, I know you’re young and that your education has probably always come second to your career, but it’s time you learned the truth: love does die, and it dies often. Below, I have compiled a brief list proving my point.

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